I was having a drink with my old boss, telling him the story of me getting scolded for yelling at the new program manager.

“While sitting there I had to ask myself how often you were talked to like this.”

“I still get talked to about it,” he answered. He was known for having a very well voiced opinion. And he fiercely defended it.

I continued, “Then my boss tells me, ‘You know, when you yell at people, they are less likely to want to work with you anymore.'”

My former boss enthusiastic replied, “I know. That’s why I do it! Because I don’t want to work them, either!”

We burst into laughter.

But you know what? I was absolutely wrong in the way I handled the situation with the program manager.

I felt increasingly incensed at multiple interactions over the course of a couple of weeks and I let myself boil over. I felt justified in my response, especially when I recounted the story to friends. But all it accomplished was causing me significant distress and further alienation from a group which I already felt excommunicated from.

I talked about John Spence in my last article. His book is brilliant, and I highly recommend it. In it he comments that people don’t make us angry, we allow ourselves to become angry. That was precisely my issue – I allowed myself to lose my temper.

I have learned that changing from being a caustic communicator to a successful one takes introspection, daily practice, and commitment. I certainly won’t act as my own judge on how successful I’ve been! That’s for others to judge. Personally, though, I now feel more positive and upbeat about my interactions.

Here are the questions that helped me to improve:

1. What is my hidden fear?
2. Am I seeing the other person’s perspective?
3. How good of a listener am I?
4. Did I validate what I assumed I heard?

Hidden Fear

When it comes to communication, our fears are powerful forces. They cloud our judgement, causing us to hear subversive messages that probably weren’t even there.

I was displeased immensely with the program manager, but I feared for my own relevancy. Over the years I had built up significant dissatisfaction with my lot, laying most of the blame on my environment, and the people in it. I felt unheard, cast aside, and lost. Nobody seemed willing to help me.

The project I was on initially changed this. I belonged to something, and I felt needed by my manager. As the team grew, though, my responsibilities seemed to shrink. I took it personally. My fear of not being valued and heard was reasserting itself.

Perhaps that’s why I felt the need to speak louder when I finally voiced my discontent with the program manager!

Since recognizing my fear it has become easier to keep it in check. And there was a side effect. I started to pay attention to what other people’s fears might be. I can then consciously tailor my communication so that I am addressing those fears. This in turn has encouraged them to open up to me far more than what previously took place. And that opens up far more opportunities for deep, constructive conversations.

Understand Point of View

I’m reading Anna Karenina at the moment. I really like Tolstoy’s reflection on how arguments arise for fear of one’s own point of view. Here’s the passage:

Levin had often noticed in discussions between the most intelligent people that after enormous efforts, and an enormous expenditure of logical subtleties and words, the disputants finally arrived at being aware that what they had so long been struggling to prove to one another had long ago, from the beginning of the argument, been known to both, but that they liked different things, and would not define what they liked for fear of its being attacked. He had often had the experience of suddenly in a discussion grasping what it was his opponent liked and at once liking it too, and immediately he found himself agreeing, and then all arguments fell away as useless. Sometimes, too, he had experienced the opposite, expressing at last what he liked himself, which he was devising arguments to defend, and, chancing to express it well and genuinely, he had found his opponent at once agreeing and ceasing to dispute his position.

He’s saying that arguments arise from the defense of our pride. Had we just clearly stated our objective at the beginning, chances are high that the other party would agree. Vis-a-vis with listening to our “debate” partner.

I’ve had many instances where I was in such an “enthusiastically” debated discussion. After great emotional expenditure we suddenly find out that we’re all saying nearly the same thing! If I had taken a moment to simply discover the other person’s perspective, it would have saved us all time and needless stress.

Become an Exceptional Listener

I’m working on this one. Alright, I’m working on all of them, but this one particularly.

Spence writes that we are able to process words at a faster rate than a typical conversation is spoken. As such, we usually allow our attention to wander by various means – multitasking, formulating rebuttals, or perhaps even thinking about what’s for dinner that evening.

I know I’ve done all three. I may have even attempted the triple crown of all three at once.

Here’s the tip I got from Spence’s book: repeat to yourself what the person speaking is saying. You may even have time to repeat an important phrase a few times. He says that you can tease out details you would normally miss and you retain the information better. I’m definitely finding this to be the case for me.

Don’t misunderstand, giving this much focus in any conversation is something that takes practice. We are bombarded with information that constantly commands our attention. In fact, that little technical wonder the smartphone, and its incessant notifications, makes it really easy to have regular squirrel moments while attempting to listen!

I’m finding that when I filter out the noise by really listening to the truly important conversations, I feel more in tune with the people who matter to me and less overwhelmed by the everyday information fire hose.

Don’t Make Assumptions

My wife and I have been guilty of assuming we understood each other. One of us will tell the other something, and we each think we got it. Invariably we learn otherwise. It often ends in a comically disasterous way suitable for a family sitcom.

One day I was trying to get the kids to understand what they were supposed to do and didn’t seem to be having much luck. I decided to ask them to repeat what I said. Good lord was their answer off! After a few cycles of this challenge and response we all came to successful agreement. This got me thinking – why in the world wasn’t I doing this more broadly?

It’s so easy to fall into the self-confidence trap that I totally understood the other person. And, frankly, there’s often a bit of pride involved. But what would make me look the bigger fool: finding out later that I misunderstood what I was told, or restate immediately what I thought I heard?

Restating what we thought we heard has helped my wife and me become better communicators. And I now make an effort to work the practice into most of my conversations.

Conclusion

I’m barely in the minor leagues of communicating successfully and already I’ve seen great outcomes. What I’ve learned is that we all have our individual motivations that we bring to any conversation. Conflict arises when ours don’t match those of the other party. While we can’t control how they respond and react, we can significantly influence the outcome by striving to make ourselves exceptional communicators.

My goal is to help you improve yourself by sharing my personal learnings, good and bad, on life and leadership. So if you liked this post and thought it was useful, you can let me know by sharing it with your network. It’ll only take a minute, and I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for reading!